I Just Miss Her

17 May

In tonight’s episode of Glee, Sue’s sister, Jean, died. They had a funeral for her to say the least, it was depressing. I’m also in the process of packing up my things to move out of my apartment and with that comes sorting through all of my things. Normally I get all emotional from reading letters written from people, especially my mom. But today I found letters that I had written my mom, and really old pictures of me and her that I’ve never seen before. And this combined with that episode of Glee have made me really emotional.

Two cards stuck out to me especially. One was a ‘I’m Sorry’ card and one was a birthday card. Some of the things I wrote were things that seemed ironic and I still feel today:

“Our relationship reminds me of the Gilmore Girls. They are so close that when they are fighting, life stops being fun. You are the most amazing woman I know and you are a great example for me. I thank god everyday for Him giving you to me. My world would fall apart without you. I keep making mistakes and you lift me up and help me fix what I have messed up.”

I also inserted the lyrics from the Backstreet Boys song “The Perfect Fan”: ‘There is never a day that passes by, I don’t think of you. You were always there for me. Pushing me and guiding me, always to succeed. You showed me, when I was young just how to grow. You showed me. Everything that I should know. You showed me, just how to walk without your hands. Cause Mom you always were the perfect fan.’

“You comfort us, make us laugh, talk and listen to us, make fun of us and support us, which are all things mothers should do but you also have this great quality about you that I can’t describe but it makes you you and I love it! I can’t imagine life without you and I don’t want to. You are my role-model, stronghold, inspiration and best friend.”

I really loved Sue’s speech she wrote about her sister and feel like a lot of those sentiments apply to me as well.

(These are basically her words with a few modifications so they apply to me ;)):

I miss my mom. The smell of her shampoo. The way she always convinced me to go to another little store with her or enjoyed simply watching a movie on her bed. When you love someone the way I loved my mom they’re a part of you. Its like you’re attached by an invisible tether and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them. And now every time I reach for that tether I know that there’s no one the other end and I feel like I’m falling into nothingness. And then I remember my mom. A life led with no enemies, no resentments, no regrets and i’m inspired to get up out of bed and go on. I miss my mom so much. It feels like a piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time I want to hold her. Just ten more seconds to hold her. But i can’t and I won’t and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that my mom would kill me if I did so now I’m just going to miss her. I love you mom.

Maybe one of these days i’ll find time to scan in some of the picture I found today. Hope this wasn’t too depressing. Just remember to hold on to your loved ones and appreciate them, flaws and all.

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